The Pain of Acting Normal
by mindpalace hell charlottesweb
Summary: John's sad eyes bored into Admiral Marcus's blue contemptuous ones. "Someday he would execute Admiral Marcus for killing all of his sleeping companions-his family. Well, until that day comes I must play the Admiral's game," John thought as he fantasized about crushing the Admiral's skull between his hands. John was starting to feel conspicuous as he sat at the bar alone. He must fi
1. Chapter 1

Kahn Noonien Singh the man who called himself John Harrison paused outside the bar that was considered the place to party by every officer and cadet in Starfleet. He knew that he must keep up the pretense of being like everyone else; however it still felt awkward to act –normal. The noise inside was deafening and John wondered how anyone could stand the jarring decibels for any prolonged length of time. The interior of the bar was dark and humans as aliens from all walks of life jockeyed for attention. John rolled his eyes and inwardly sighed at the individuals he considered inferior to himself. They were all so transparent in their quest of attention from the opposite sex or same sex depending on each being's sexual preference. "Things hadn't changed that much from his time on earth. I must attempt to attract a partner," John thought as he contemplated the assignment Admiral Marcus had given him. He could still hear the Admiral's voice. "John Harrison is a strong good human name. However, John you must make an attempt to fit in, or someone might become suspicious of your true purpose."

John's sad eyes bored into Admiral Marcus's blue contemptuous ones. "Someday he would execute Admiral Marcus for killing all of his sleeping companions-his family. Well, until that day comes I must play the Admiral's game," John thought as he fantasized about crushing the Admiral's skull between his hands. John was starting to feel conspicuous as he sat at the bar alone. He must find someone to pick up, man, woman, whatever it didn't really matter to John one way or another. John took a deep breath and then another, to slow his heart rate so that he could concentrate on the task at hand. Figures laughed, danced, flirted, drank, their shadows shifting and swaying in slow motion. In the midst of the crowd John spotted someone who didn't fit in. She had pink hair, which she nervously pushed out of her face, as a cadet grabbed at her waist. She lost her footing and fell to the ground trying to evade the cadet's advances.

John crossed the room in a couple of strides and reached down and pulled her to her feet.

"Wow, thanks, you must be pretty strong, because well I'm no light weight, I mean I don't think I'm fat I just well you know…" He voice trailed off in embarrassment.

John nodded. "My name is John Harrison and whom do I have the pleasure of rescuing?"

"Julie Clarkson," she said as she nervously licked her lips.

"How would you like a drink, Julie Clarkson?" John's low beautiful voice asked.

Julie's eyes were as big as saucers. "Did the most gorgeous man on the planet just ask if he could buy her a drink? Hurry up answer before he changes his mind." Julie thought as her heart hammered against her ribs. "Yes, that would be lovely John Harrison."

John was still holding her small hand in his as he led Julie to an empty table. Julie looked up at John with such trust, that it somehow unnerved him. Those blue eyes held John Harrison's blue-green eyes in a wide eyed gaze and it was as if Julie could see through John's disguise straight through to his heart. John cleared his throat and was mildly irritated that he was the first to look away.

After they ordered their drinks John looked over at Julie. "So, Julie what do you do for a living?"

Julie laughed. "You make it sound like an interview. Your voice is so serious." When John didn't answer Julie nervously babbled on. "I mean that's fine…um I am a librarian for Star Fleet. So, what do you do, John Harrison?"

John Harrison paused and then smiled. "I'm in security."

Julie nodded sensing his reluctance to talk about his job. "So, John where are you from?"

John cleared his throat. He hadn't planned for all this chit chat. "India."

Julie laughed. "You are joking, right?"

John chuckled, it was a sound he had not heard from himself in many years. "I'm from London, U.K."

For the first time in a long while John enjoyed listening to someone else talk. All too soon John realized it was late and he had to get up early the next day.

"Julie, I have to get up early tomorrow, so how about we call it a night. I can't tell you how much I have enjoyed this evening," John said as he helped Julie put on her jacket. "May I see you home?"

Julie nodded eagerly, she didn't want this night to ever end.

.

John looked at her in surprise, for she was the first person that he hadn't felt the need to strangle since Admiral Marcus had awoken him from his 277 year old sleep. When it was time to say good night, John walked Julie to the door of her apartment. She lifted up her face for a kiss. In order to fulfill his assignment John bent his head down to place a gentle kiss on her lips. However, when his lips met hers something inside him snapped and before he knew it the kiss turned into a passionate one. Julie returned his kiss with the same intensity. For a few moments John felt young, not just in age but in spirit as well. His knees felt weak and he gasped when Julie put her arms around his waist. He had to stop pretty soon, for he wasn't sure he was ready for physical contact of a deeper nature. With reluctance John broke away from Julie's grasp.

"Julie, I've got to say good-night. If we keep this up I won't be able to leave." John's spoke his throat raw from emotion and need.

Julie nodded. "Let's not take things too fast." Julie then reached up and kissed John's cheek.

"I'll call you in a couple of days, after the project I am working on is over," John answered.

John glanced back at Julie's face, not knowing that this would be the last time he would ever see her. A few days later she was dead, killed in the Data Archive Explosion he had instigated. John had let his guard down and he vowed that he would never again act normal for anyone. It was just too painful.


	2. Chapter 2

John Harrison looked at himself in the mirror, he was a perfect genetic specimen, so why was he afraid to go on an actual date with Julie? True to his word John had contacted Julie two days later. He had let her select the location of their date. Julie had suggested a spring time festival that was held every year in Golden Gate Park and so John waited for her by a landmark called, "Portals of the Past," which was a remnant from one of the mansions that had been destroyed in the San Francisco 1906 earthquake. John put his hand on one of its majestic columns and drew in a deep breath to center himself.

"Hey, you look like a Greek god ready to wreak havoc on the human race," Julie said as she ran up to him.

For a moment John thought that she had found out about his plan to bomb the Data Archive Center; however when he saw her bright shining face trustfully looking up into his eyes, he knew that Julie was innocent. John smiled fondly and lightly brushed his hand against her cheek. Julie's face flushed as she looked down at the ground. When John felt her take his hand in hers, his heart rate increased significantly. Struggling for control John began to squeeze Julie's hand a little too tight.

"Um, John, you have a great grip, but it's a little too strong, "Julie said as she attempted to work her hand free from John's sweaty grasp. John let go immediately and apologized. Julie then took his hand again. "No need to apologize, John, it's okay. Come on let's go see the flowered swings, they are so fun. Come on."

The flowered swings were a remnant from earth's past. The swings were huge and covered with flowers. Couples took turns pushing each other on the mammoth seats as John observed them with a detached air. "Come on, I promise it will be fun. Do you want me to push you first?" Julie asked.

John smirked. "I don't think that is a practical idea." John said as he shoved to the beginning of the line.

"Wait, John I think the line is back here," Julie said as she tugged at John's arm.

John looked at the party that was supposed to be next with such malevolence, that the male of the couple said, "Hey, it's alright you go first."

Without a backwards glance at the couple John looked at the flowered swing. Julie let go of his hand and ran to sit in the seat of the contraption. John remembered swings from the time he was on earth; however 277 years was a long time ago and he had forgotten many things. Taking his cue from the couple next to them John griped the side ropes of the swing, raised his arms above Julie's head and pulled her back as far as he could and then when he let go it seemed as if she sprouted wings as she flew through the air pumping her legs furiously to go faster. John got so involved in pushing the swing that he failed to notice he was pushing too hard until Julie toppled off the swing and was hurtling down towards the ground. John's quick super human reflexes took over and he caught Julie just before she hit the ground. Julie lay breathless in his arms laughing.

"John, I hope you don't think I'm fast, but will you kiss me?" She gasped still trying to get her breath.

John didn't know why, but for some reason it bothered him to see her frailty. Bending his head towards hers, John paused just before his lips met hers. He then took a deep breath and became lost in the best kiss he had ever given or received. Couples clapped as the long kiss continued. It was Julie who broke away first. "It seems that we are attracting attention. Do you want to go somewhere more private?" Julie whispered as she wrapped her arms tightly around John's neck.

John didn't speak as he looked deep into Julie's eyes for a sign of weakness or insincerity. When he didn't find any he carried her away from the swings into a private little cove where other couples laughed and carried on. As John gently put her down on the grass, he knew that he couldn't take the chance of making love to her. Being in a public place didn't bother him it was just that it had been so long since someone had touched him that he wasn't sure how he would react. As if sensing his reluctance Julie patted the grass beside her. "Lay here beside me and let's just relax and listen to the music."

For the first time, John noticed that music was being piped in from somewhere. It was some syrupy, sweet love song about one kiss lasting a lifetime and John grimaced as he thought, "How idiotic the song was."

Julie hummed along as she leaned back in John's arms. The hair on the back of his neck stood on end as Julie snuggled closer. He hadn't missed human contact until now. It felt so good to have someone touch him with love and not fear or hatred. He closed his eyes and sighed. Julie reached up and pulled his head down for another kiss. As John struggled for control, he finally broke away from the kiss and took Julie's head between his hands. His hands- the same hands that had killed so many without mercy. John just stared and let himself be lost in Julie's gaze. Julie began to kiss him again. After a few glorious moments John pulled himself up to a sitting position. "Julie, I can't be physical with you. It's been so long and I just can't."

Julie nodded. "I understand you aren't married are you?"

John shook his head no.

Julie smiled. "Hey, let's just pretend that we are like the sweethearts in the song. One kiss will last us a lifetime. So, kiss me one more time and then we will go and look at the flowers."

John smiled and it felt so foreign that it seemed as if his facial muscles were going to crack. A part of him felt afraid, for the moment seemed to foreshadow something terrible, but John knew it was most likely a residue from his violent past, and so without another word or thought John kissed Julie, not knowing it would be the last passionate moment he would share with her. John drew Julie's body closer to his and then he quickly broke away panting. Standing up John offered his hand out to Julie and they whiled away the rest of the day like two sweethearts from long ago. John played games of skill and won his sweetheart Julie various stuffed toys and trinkets. He rowed her around the small lake in a boat, danced with her, ate junk food until he threw up, and then all too soon it was time to go.

Reluctantly, John walked Julie to the door of her apartment as she stood on tiptoe and kissed the end of his nose. "John Harrison are you my sweetheart? Will you remember me? Please say yes, for my heart is on my sleeve and I am waiting to fall for you." Julie said hesitantly.

John felt overwhelmed, there was nothing sweet about him and he had been told many times before that he had no heart. However, for the first time in a long time John didn't want to hurt someone. "Julie, you are my sweetheart and I will remember you till the day I die." He then nodded looked down and rushed down the stairs.

Julie rushed after him and just like the old movie, "Maytime", John took her in his arms and held her. Julie pressed her face against John's shirt and breathed in his scent. "John Harrison, I don't care if this scares you or not. I love you. There I said it," Julie said as she leaned away from his embrace triumphantly. She then put her hand against his chest. "It's okay you don't have to say it back. See you next Friday, "Julie said as she moved out of his embrace.

A few days later John Harrison stood in front of the Data Archive Center as he watched Thomas Harewood enter through the front doors in a few moments the bomb would detonate and the center would be rubble. John fell to the ground as the explosion ripped through the center destroying it. Ignoring the cries of the dying John made his way through the debris and human carnage. A small whisper made John stop in his tracks.

"John, is that you?" A voice asked weakly.

John looked down and the whole world of John Harrison shattered into a million pieces, for there in a pile of twisted metal lay Julie. Her face was remarkably unscathed, but John knew from her grayish color that she only had a few moments to live. He pulled as much of the charred remains off of her as he could and then knelt down and held her in his arms.

"John Harrison, I love you and one day did last a life time," she said as she smiled lovely up at John.

John shook with despair, fear, loathing and hatred. "My name is Kahn," he shouted as tears of grief ran down his face.

Julie fought the throes of death that would soon rack her body and forced out another sentence. "I don't care who you are. Kahn I will love you always." Then her body began to writhe and twist.

"Julie, Kahn loves you and if there is any justice in this flawed, broken world I will hold you again. "Kahn said as he openly wept and held Julie close, the force from her convulsions rocked him back and forth and his normally pristine hairs hung lose in his eyes. Even his genetic perfections could not over power death. "God, what misery this life is," John thought as he let go of Julie's cooling body. He stood up and smoothed his hair back into place. "I will avenge you," Kahn whispered as he grabbed his cylinder pack and swung it over his shoulder. His face was twisted in loss as he grimly made his way from the wreckage of the Data Archive Center. Though Kahn was physically untouched his heart-his soul lay shattered and bleeding deep inside him.


End file.
